one commitment at a time
resisting the urge to cancel and autistic fatigue
This week was a doozy. One of those weeks where commitments I locked in months ago collided with my current work schedule in a not so generous way. I quickly transitioned from celebratory birthday energy into back-to-back needing to show up with zero chances to recharge.
As I felt the energy shift I wrote in my planner, one thing at a time.
Doctor appointments, hosting a shindig for a friend from out of state and being a guest artist at a summer camp were all commitments I made long ago and wanted to honor, but felt so much resistance to because it all felt overwhelming combined with my new work schedule. Thursday and Friday were back-to-back 16 hour days for me. There were times throughout that push I daydreamed of getting sick so I could go home and hide under the covers.
In the end, everything worked out very well and I got the recovery time I needed, after showing up to everything without canceling. But, I paid for pushing that hard. The stress came in the form of stomach pains, a dehydration headache, getting into a loop of not being able to stop cleaning and having two different meltdowns.
Just because it all turned out, doesn’t mean it was an easy week. It was a hard reminder of the space I have to carve out for myself. Like a doctor writing a prescription, time is a medicine that my neurodivergent system not only needs but requires.
Since my autism and ADHD diagnosis last September I have worked very hard to avoid stacking my schedule in this way. It’s something I used to do a lot, accidentally, and would frequently have meltdowns due to the overwhelm and inability to regulate my emotions.
Typing this now, I’m remembering critique weeks in art school when I would push so hard to finish projects and completely collapse into a depressive puddle on the other side of a big week. Unable to get out of bed, all out of dopamine and feeling as though I’d never create anything ever again.
My dear friend Monica referred to those collapses as my own personal mini postpartum episodes. I had given metaphorical birth to a project, poured my heart into it and as soon as it was out in the world and I was left wading in the “now what” aftermath.
Retrospectively connecting all of the dots, I can see those episodes were part of my ongoing autistic fatigue.
Because my mind works in such a literal manner, I’ve historically had a hard time deciphering what I should say yes to. If I literally have the space and time in my calendar to say yes to something, I would. The mistake I made for most of my life is not seeing me-time as something that gets written on the calendar too.
Sometimes saying yes led to me hurting friends and family, because instead of predicting my needs in advance I would end up canceling as the plans approached. Explaining that I had overcommitted again, not realizing that I could reverse engineer this problem by saying no.
For years I contributed this to my people pleasing tendencies. But my diagnosis helped me see it runs deeper than that, it’s also a manifestation of the way I struggle with time perception and not being able to compute how much time and energy certain things take. It’s also the guilt I would feel when comparing my social battery to others, unable to understand why I didn’t have the same capacity as everyone else.
It’s taken me years to learn that I don’t have to say yes to something simply because there is space for it on my calendar. It’s been a grief process of understanding my limits. And it’s an ongoing work in progress recalibrating and putting this all into practice after decades of shaming myself.
Now, I mark off *nothing* days on my calendar.
Now, I turn my phone on Do Not Disturb whenever possible.
Now, I pencil in self-care mornings.
Now, I say no more often because I know what I need.
Hard weeks like this make me incredibly grateful for my diagnosis and the extra layers of understanding and self-compassion I continue to collect. As proud of myself as I am for not canceling this week, I’m more proud of myself for the upcoming things I’ve said no to.
May you always find ways to say no. May you give future you plenty of space to be and exist. May you use your calendar to protect the *nothing* days. May you pencil in breaks and carve out sweet pockets of me-time.
May you cry when needed, nap when possible and compare your social battery to no-one else.
You are perfect just as you are.
With love,
Jenna
Take a look at your calendar and find a day in the next month that is currently free. Write down “NOTHING DAY!” in pretty colors that make you happy. Mark it off and commit to holding that space and time as a day where you have no commitments, no expectations and can wake up and do whatever you want to do. Note: If you don’t have a full day free, try to find half a day where you can practice this nothingness.
Think of something you’ve been invited to recently. Did you say yes because you had the free time to do it? Or because you really wanted to do it? Reflect on how you might be able to create your own Yes/No decision-making compass for future invitations.
NEXT SUNDAY!! Join us at Lynden Sculpture Garden to celebrate July’s Buck Full Moon. Starting with a sound bath and labyrinth walk in the morning, then a full moon mini-market with local readers and vendors in the afternoon and finishing strong with an incredible Astrology For Writers Workshop with KP Kaszubowski! Learn more about the day full of events and register in advance here!
Thank you for sharing this Jenna, I appreciate your openness ❤️ xo Carla