Last summer I had set an intention to finish my first quilt before the end of 2023. I had been dabbling in making squares since last spring and thought giving myself a deadline of finishing a quilt before the end of the year to curl up into during the winter months was a good goal.
The only problem? I didn’t love the way it was turning out. And I really wanted my first ever quilt to be something I loved, you know?
In December I found myself continuing to work on it, despite the fact that some of my recent improvisational decisions changed the entire feeling. I thought — I gotta reach that goal and done is better than perfect. Except, other situations where this perfectionism-busting rule of “done is better than perfect” apply felt wrong with this creative project.
In my experience, creativity does not work on a timeline that fits into a calendar. It twists and turns and surprises you. It takes your breath away just as you are about to throw in the towel. It makes you walk back to look at what you’ve created again and again because it satisfies your soul. It tells you when it needs space. A day away. An hour outside. Room to breathe here. It asks you for this color there. It does not care about December 31st or January 1st. It is only done when it is done.
I made a decision in the last week of 2023 not to finish it. Not to push it. Not to follow the calendar but instead let it sit until I knew what to do with it.
Then, the morning of January 1st as I was deciding my word for the year I felt the sudden urge to cut up the almost finished quilt top and create new squares from it. With it I cut through the ideas of treating the creation process like a to-do list and landed on my word for the year - CREATE.
Create as in express yourself by whatever means necessary. Create as in make time to be with loved ones and cherish new memories. Create as in design your life with accommodations through the lens of your AuDHD diagnosis. Create as in cook a lot of good food and experiment with new recipes. Create as in hold space for yourself, deeply.
As I cut up the quilt I saw it differently and I have not touched it since. The sewing machine collects dust in a box in the corner of the room as I know I am not ready to bring the squares back together again just yet.
Above my sewing desk I see the first ever squares that I was sewing almost a year ago now. They have also not made their way into a quilt yet and that’s okay. Instead, they live side by side clipped to a string. Reminding me of the season where I taught myself how to listen to fabric and colors and the shapes that want to be together.
Today as I sat down to reflect and write about my intention for the week I felt a sense of sadness wash over me. My intention was to make time to create and return to my word of the year but I have been feeling so dysregulated this week, un-soothable.
Openly crying about how overwhelming it is to be a human who has to go to the grocery store. Blaming my hormones and recent PMDD diagnosis for my extreme irritability. Questioning the super combo of transitioning from pisces season to aries season + mercury retrograde + eclipse season = holy f*ck what is happening!!
Pulled in 20 different directions and far away from my intention to zero in on more focused creative time, I contemplated skipping writing this newsletter this week as I felt I had nothing worth writing about. But then I realized, I was doing it again. Treating creativity as a to-do list.
Then, I decided to make a different kind of list. A list of all the things I did create.
All of these beautiful things were not created in the designated studio-like creative time I was envisioning for myself this week. And making this list helped me realize that things do not have to be created in the most perfect environment imaginable. Sometimes that will be an unrealistic and unattainable goal. The rawness of making sh*t happen - big or small - even during chaotic times can be a very potent ingredient to the process.
Creating this list helped me see what I did do and immediately gave me the proof of all the magic I created this week.
So! It’s Friday. And maybe this sentiment of “oh dang it didn’t go how I thought it would go but hey here I am anyways” resonates with you.
If so, I want to invite you to make your own list of the things that you did accomplish. That you did create. That you did do.
Give the spotlight to what you achieved - big and small. Rather than letting what hasn’t happened yet take center stage.
Then, share your list with a loved one and invite them to do the same. Let this feeling of celebration spread!
Hit reply to this email to share your lists with me or if you’re reading on Substack feel free to comment below!
I love you and all that you’ve created this week.
No matter HOW you’ve created it.
It is enough.
And you, you are magic.
With Love,
Jenna
I’ve been slowly working on the spring time hypnosis and meditation album and I think it’ll be done pretty soon :) There’s a track that’s about creativity and beauty that takes place in a flower market, a track that’s about possibility and potential that takes place in a greenhouse and a track that helps you release and create space through the metaphor of spring cleaning and tidying. All paid subscribers (new and seasoned) will be getting the album for free as a thank you for being here!
KP and I are facilitating our third and final iteration of Actively Missing You Poetry Writing Workshop at Lynden Sculpture Garden on Saturday April 20th from 1pm-4pm. Together we will celebrate and honor our ever evolving relationship to nature and continue to explore themes of grief, change and loss — this time through the lens of of our relationship to the places that make us and change us. Come write poems with us!! Registration is open here!