I reached the center. I found the thing. After days of feeling lost within its big vast unknown energy, I have decided to celebrate making it to this point. Where I can stare it in the eyes. Sit with it. Befriend it. Love it. Heal it.
Throughout my coaching career I used this metaphor of peeling back the layers of the onion with clients. Especially when doing timeline work and going back to childhood and/or past lives and generational lineages.
The only problem with this metaphor is that peeling back the layers often suggests that when you reach a certain point, there’s further to go. It can put you in a perpetual loop of always searching for the next thing to focus and accidentally send messages of “you’re not there yet” over and over again.
It can also get murky and stir up feelings of self-blame and weighted personal responsibility where you think the reason you aren’t experiencing results or happiness is because you haven’t had said breakthrough yet…
I’ve been there — tired of searching for the next thing to work on and wanting to just live and enjoy life instead. I’ve jumped off that hamster wheel since taking a step back from coaching. Now, I much prefer for life to hit me in the face with realization.
Nothing compares to the big thing finding you in an unexpected moment.
At the end of last week I had a situation where the center of the onion came knocking at my door.
The center of my onion is questioning my own sense of deserving and worthiness.
I spent the first couple of days in the depths of it, feeling all the pain that surfaced with its arrival. This looked like driving with the windows down, crying behind my sunglasses. This looked like long showers. This looked like sitting in the dark.
I texted a friend, “Isn’t it crazy? How fast it can get so dark? Idk why but deserve keeps surfacing — I don’t deserve a clean slate, I don’t deserve to have fun…Taj even pointed out that I’m not eating the organic apples I’ve been buying. I realized I wasn’t because they’re more expensive and I want her to eat them all for her health. I’ve hit a new corner of mindset work that needs so so so much attention.”
Many things I didn’t even realize I was even doing/thinking clicked into place —
Realizing that I had been subconsciously punishing myself for past mistakes by keeping myself in a holding pattern
Realizing that I had major resistance to having fun or spending time on creative projects because I didn’t feel like I had “earned it”
Realizing that I wasn’t even eating the organic apples that I was buying because I was trying to save a little bit of money
I’m starting to sift through it all with more kindness and love now but it is still all feeling so raw. I will sit with this. Love it. Nurture it. Until I can undo the knot. Until the neural pathways change and fall into new grooves of believing in my own deserving and self-worth.
This week I talked to loved ones about my center of the onion and asked them about their own perception of deserving and worthiness.
I started a Notion document called “Deserving Diary” where I can dive into journal prompts and self-reflection.
I focused my energy on pleasurable creative activities that build my sense of self-worth.
I laid it all out on the table during therapy and had my world rocked with the reframe of how capitalism pushes us into the mold of the earning/deserving economy. Even my desire to find the point of origin puts so much unintended pressure on me to earn my breakthrough through the devotion of personal reflection.
What if it’s not all mine to hold? What if others will help me hold it? What if letting others in helps me to feel more deserving of support and therefore stability?
I’m vowing to not do this alone. I know it’s going to take some time, but that’s okay. I’m celebrating making it to this moment. Of feeling brave enough to spend time here in the undoing, at the center.
And I’m enjoying the organic apples from our local co-op that are worth every single extra cent.
I am worth every single extra cent.
With Love,
Jenna
P.S. This commitment to self, the external accountability of sharing weekly intentions as an extension of the Dear Self With Love Planner, feels raw and real when things get raw and real.
This weekly writing practice has become a grounding force for me. Thank you for being here with me during this new writing experiment! It is my hope that every time you read you take a moment to pause and think about the energy that is vibrating most for you inside of this week.
What is your personal relationship to the concept of deserving? What do you know you deserve in this lifetime?
What was the last thing you sat with, nurtured, listened to and learned from in your personal journey? What did it teach you?
List 10 small self-worth building gestures you could show yourself this week to expand your feelings of deserving.
The next monthly forecast circle is happening Saturday March 30th from 10am-12pm! Register here to come reflect/process March and open up to/welcome April
I’m in the process of slowly crafting a Spring Time hypnosis/meditation album about clearing space, welcoming new energy and inviting growth. I’d love to know what themes are on your heart so I can work some community magic into the scripts before I record. Please take 3 minutes to fill out the community form here!