in awe of contrast
a week of miracles and mood swings
This past Spring I was casually diagnosed with PMDD by my new primary care doctor. I say casually because I was the one who came into my appointment with a paper full of questions, one of them being “does this sound like PMDD to you?”
I had been tracking my cycle and mood in my Dear Self With Love Planner for over a year now and had identified intense changes in my mood leading up to my period, enough to see the pattern very clearly.
I described the days leading up to the start of my cycle as dark, depressing and sometimes even dangerous. It’s like a cloud rolls in and my entire perception of reality is abstracted and untrue. My typical calm, bright affect is swapped for a flat almost catatonic one. An existentialism sets in and I question the meaning of everything.
Her answer was a resounding yes.
Thank god the repetition of this cycle has taught me not that it is only temporary, and it will pass. I keep these dark days to myself mostly, because of this. I withdraw, if I can, and hide out until I can reemerge as “myself” as to avoid masking. Masking in these days leading up to my cycle takes so much more energy and leaves me feeling even more depleted.
My mindset for the most part has been that I don’t want to worry anyone about something I know will be over soon. However, the holding it close in an attempt to protect others doesn’t actually help, either. As scary as it is to be vulnerable, isolation can be much scarier.
At the beginning of this week I drew AWE in big bubbly letters as my intention for the week. I looked ahead and saw a week of miracles — celebrating and witnessing a life changing moment for one of my best friends, the annual summer solstice sound bath and labyrinth walk at Lynden AND the Full Moon in Capricorn. My only intention was to soak up the awe of witnessing and participating in life’s magical milestones and changing of the seasons.
But then, while we had some friends over for a game night, I felt the dark thunder cloud roll in and make itself comfortable. In a matter of 10 minutes I went from laughing uncontrollably to not being able to smile or talk. My affect fell flat, and I physically felt my hormones shift.
I immediately recognized it’s arrival. Typically, I would retreat into our room and isolate for the rest of the evening, but I found myself doing something different. Instead of disappearing I said what was happening out loud and stayed in the room. I grabbed a project to keep my hands busy and was amazed to find that even though I was sad, my friends still wanted me there.
Taj tended to me so gently that night, checking on me to see what I needed next. Telling me that she was proud of me while I cried in the bathroom with her about the darkness. Sitting me on her lap while everyone was still around the table, making every effort to create onramps for me to reenter the conversation exactly as I was in that moment. No masking required.
The cloud is always hardest when it first sets in. It’s so scary and dark that sometimes I fear a season of depression is back to visit. It’s happened enough now that I can usually recognize pretty quickly when it’s hormonal. Once I name it, it is less scary. But then, it becomes about riding out the waiting period, leaning into anything and everything that can make me feel a little better.
This week I did less hiding and more accepting of these waves I experience. I was humbled to be surrounded by love and care and support. Receiving it from others allowed me to give even more to myself. I did not have to tend to this dysphoria in isolation, but could be standing under a dark cloud in the same room as someone who had a lot of sun — and we could still be together.
I am grateful for the moments in life that highlight the stark contrast of the lived experience. I am in awe of the full spectrum that we are all capable of.
Wether you find yourself under a cloud of your own or you are sharing your sun with someone who is going through a hard time, I hope you are holding so much room for the full depth of how magical you are.
I hope you honor the magnitude of all you are capable of.
I hope you see the light as more vivid, up against the black.
I hope you notice the garden, thriving, in the dense layer of ozone after the downpour.
With Love,
Jenna
P.S. My cycle began while writing this!! It’s all going to be okay soon! If you or someone you know also struggles with PMDD, I strongly recommend listening to this episode all about PMDD on the Divergent Conversations podcast to keep learning more. It's extremely important and validating information I wish so many more people could have access to. You are not alone.
Think about the different points of contrast that are present in your life right now. Make a list of things that feel like sunshine and a list of things that feel like a dark cloud. Notice how these two lists work together — how do they push and pull each other? How do they compliment one another? Mirror each other? Is there anything you see differently when it’s all mapped out side by side?
Think about how your body talks to you and sends you warning signals of distress. Spend some time creating another list of the things that help you most when these signals fire off. Then, cut the list into pieces you can put in a jar. Next time you need you can pull from the jar to prompt yourself into supportive activities. When stress or pain or overwhelm flood our brain, we think less of how to support ourselves — having something already in place that we don’t even have to think through can be a helpful way to take care of our future selves.
Today (Sunday June 23rd) is the last day to sign up to be a vendor for the Full Moon Mini-Market happening on July 21st at Lynden Sculpture Garden! Learn more here!
Next weekend is the Monthly Forecast Circle! Bring your DSWL 2024 Planner and work through the end of the month review and beginning of the month forecast with community on Saturday June 29th from 10-11:30am CST. Register for the zoom link here!
Wow wow wow did I resonate with this. This was a great gentle reminder to speak the heavy feelings. I also suffer with PMDD and the tank in my mood is so disheartening because even though I *know* it’ll pass, it’s so frustrating that I have to deal with it. Angry with the world kind of feelings, ya know?
So glad I opened this email and read your post ❤️ Ty Jenna!